i don't even know if this counts as a confession really or just like... a really long rant about something that happened ages ago i guess i’ve just been sitting here staring at the ceiling again and the quiet just... it gets to me you know, out here it’s always so quiet especially this late there’s nothing but the crickets and the occasional dog bark and then my own thoughts which are usually the loudest thing in the room and tonight it’s just circling around this one thing my grandmother passed away a few months back and i swear ever since then it’s like my dad just... he isn’t himself anymore he’s always been so steady you know just always there always calm even when things were completely falling apart but now it’s like he’s got this shadow hanging over him and it makes me so angry and i don't even know why i’m so angry i think maybe i’m just angry at everything he retired a few years ago moved to some island country somewhere warm that’s what he always wanted to do he’d talked about it for decades like it was this big escape plan and he did it too he packed up everything sold the house and just left and i remember being really proud of him then proud that he actually followed through on something so big and scary and like what most people only dream about but then grandma started getting really frail you know the way old people do it wasn’t sudden it was just this slow thing that happened over years first it was needing a bit of help with groceries then it was needing someone to drive her to appointments and then it was just needing someone there almost all the time she was still sharp as a tack mentally but her body just gave out and it was brutal to watch and my dad he was gone he was literally on the other side of the world living his dream and it meant my aunt mostly had to pick up the slack she lives here too in this tiny town so it was all on her and i tried to help where i could i’d stop by after work bring her dinner sit with her for a bit but it wasn’t the same as having her own child there and i could see it in my aunt’s eyes the exhaustion the resentment maybe he’d call every week sometimes more often but it was just calls you know just talking about how much he missed her how much he loved her and it felt so HOLLOW like what good is loving someone from across an ocean when they’re right here needing you to hold their hand or help them stand up it just felt so... performative almost like he was saying the right words but not actually doing anything he finally came back for the funeral and it was just... weird he looked so out of place in his fancy island clothes like he didn’t belong in our small town anymore and he cried a lot more than i thought he would almost like he was trying to make up for all the tears he didn’t shed when she was actually suffering and i hated myself for thinking that but i couldn’t help it i just felt this deep cold anger at him and now he’s back here staying with my aunt looking lost and almost like a ghost himself he says he’s going to stay for a while but it feels like he’s just waiting to go back and i just look at him sometimes and i think about all the years he missed all the moments he chose to be away and i just want to scream at him i want to ask him if it was WORTH IT if his big dream was worth missing all of that pain and sadness i don't know i just don't know if i can ever really look at him the same way again i think maybe i just can’t forgive him for not being here when she really needed him and now he’s here and it’s too late and i just feel this cold knot of anger in my stomach that won’t go away no matter what i do