does anyone else feel like they're just... pretending to be a real person? like i'm 17 and everyone thinks i'm this big deal because of the restaurant and the award tonight but i'm just sitting here on a milk crate and i feel like i'm gonna throw up. i'm not even sure why i'm typing this. it's 2am and the kitchen lights are humming and it's making my head hurt in that weird way where you can feel your pulse in your eyeballs. i'm just wondering if i'm the only one who feels like a total fake even when they win. so tonight was the big thing... it was the city's "Rising Star" award ceremony and they gave me the trophy for Best New Chef. it was all these fancy people in suits and dresses that probably cost more than my first car... which is a total piece of junk btw. i had to stand on this stage and the lights were so bright i couldn't even see the audience. some guy in a tuxedo handed me this heavy gold knife trophy and everyone clapped so loud it felt like it was hitting me in the chest. i had to give a speech and i think i just said "thanks" and "it's cool" about ten times while i wiped my sweaty palms on my pants. i probably looked like a total idiot. after the ceremony everyone went to this bar for the after-party and i really wanted to go just to see what it was like. but my manager pulled me aside and said i couldn't go because i'm not 21 and it would look bad for the "brand" or whatever if the star chef got caught with a drink. so i just... came back here. i had to help the cleaning crew finish up because one of the guys didn't show and the floors were covered in this gross mixture of spilled wine and oyster shells. that's the thing with this life i guess... you're the "prodigy" one minute and then you're scraping burnt fat off a grill because you can't afford to lose the shift. i don't even have a salary yet... it's all just kind of gig based.