i won this big thing today a shiny statue feels like a brick in my hand heavy real heavy and everyone was cheering and drinking fancy drinks and saying my name like it meant something big and important like it was a key to a secret door or something but after everyone left and the last champagne glass was put away i was still here in the kitchen the big empty kitchen i made myself a plate of leftovers the fancy food everyone was praising all cold now and i just sat there in the dark not even turning on the lights just the hum of the fridge and the clink of my fork against the plate my stomach felt empty even though i was eating like there was a hollow space inside me bigger than the whole room and i kept thinking about the bills piled on the counter at home and if this award even means we can get new tires for the car or if it’s just shiny metal that doesn’t pay for anything i kept tasting the salt of the food but it wasn’t from the seasoning it felt like it came from inside my own mouth like my tongue was crying or something and i wanted to throw the stupid statue across the room but i just put my head down on the cold counter and wished someone would just… talk to me about nothing you know just regular stuff not about awards or fancy food or how good i am because i don’t feel good at all right now it’s like i built this really tall tower and i’m at the top and the air is super thin and cold and there’s nothing else up here just me and this heavy shiny thing and i can see everything below but i can’t hear anything and nobody can see me either just the tower glowing in the dark i should be happy right everyone said i should be happy but i just feel tired and sticky like old syrup and my hands smell like onions and victory and i just want to sleep for like a hundred years and not wake up til everything feels normal again and not like this big ache in my chest that won’t go away