you ever just like… ruin your own peace? like you have this tiny window this tiny chance to just BE and you actively choose the chaos? it’s so stupid. i swear it happens all the time with assignments too. like i have a paper due thursday and i know i should be outlining or whatever but instead im deep diving into like, some obscure youtube rabbit hole about ancient architecture that has ZERO relevance to anything. it’s like my brain just defaults to stress. today was one of those days. a bus driver. me. just pulled over for lunch, right? half an hour. thirty minutes of peace. you know? i could’ve scrolled some memes, listened to a podcast, closed my eyes even. maybe even looked at like… trees. but no. my monkey brain was like “hey remember that thing? that whole road rage compilation trend?” and before i even knew it i was watching these grown ass people yelling at each other over like, a merge or a horn honk. just pure, unadulterated anger. and the thing is i couldn’t stop. it’s like a car crash you know? you don’t wanna see it but you’re stuck. so i’m there in my bus, parked up, just watching these clips and feeling this knot in my stomach getting tighter and tighter. all this aggression all this frustration just bubbling up around me and i’m just… soaking it in. by the time my break was done and i had to get back to my seat it was like i hadn't even had a break. i felt more agitated than before. MORE drained. like i’d just had a screaming match with someone. and for what? no reason. absolutely no reason. my own damn fault. and now i’m back on the road and every little thing is setting me off. someone cuts me off? usually i’d just sigh. today? i feel that hot flash of anger. a pedestrian takes too long to cross? my jaw clenches. it’s like i brought the rage right into my own bus, into my own head. and i hate it. i hate that i did that to myself. idk. maybe it’s just the constant pressure. the readings the essays the constant feeling of being behind. like you just WANT to feel that anger sometimes. you want to just let it all out even if it's not yours. but then it’s just there. in you. and you’re still driving a bus full of people who probably just want to get home. and you're just stuck with that feeling. it's so stupid. and now i’m here typing this in my phone parked again but this time not on break. just trying to get it out before i forget how intensely i felt it. that weird mix of self-loathing and just… exhaustion. like why do we do this to ourselves? why do i do this to myself? i just wanna like… turn my brain off sometimes. or at least guide it away from the self-inflicted misery. guess that's not happening tonight. i got a long drive home still. and that feeling is just… there. sitting right behind my eyes. ready to come out.