i just feel so dumb even writing this like who even cares right but its late and im just so lonely lonely all the time it like eats at me inside every single day every day my grandma died like a year ago she was really old like 90 and i thought i would be over it by now i really did because like people die and stuff and youre supposed to like move on eventually but its been a whole year and its like i cant even get out of bed sometimes and i feel so so stupid because she was old and it was her time and everyone says that like my mom says that my aunt says that they all say that to me like im supposed to just be fine with it and im not and i just want to like scream i used to live with her in her apartment right downtown like a few blocks from school and it was always so loud and busy but she was always there you know and she would make me like ramen noodles after school and we would watch like bad reality tv and she would always listen to me complain about stuff even when i was like totally being a brat about like boys or whatever and now its just quiet its so quiet all the time and my mom is always like working and my dad hes never home my mom said i should try to like make more friends at school or like join a club but like what even is the point of anything when im just gonna go home to like an empty apartment and just sit there and like stare at my phone or whatever i just feel so tired all the time and its like i just wanna sleep and never wake up and i know thats a really bad thing to say and my mom would like freak out if she heard me say that i just miss her so much like i miss her laugh and her telling me to like clean my room and her complaining about the upstairs neighbors playing music too loud and now its just me and this apartment and its like every single corner reminds me of her and i just feel so so alone and everyone says im supposed to be like strong and resilient because im young and i have my whole life ahead of me but i just dont feel strong i just feel like im drowning