I just... I feel so bad like it’s a horrible thing to even think but I had to say it somewhere because it’s eating at me. My grandma is really sick, like really really sick, and she’s not here anymore, she’s in a special place where they take care of her all the time. And the kitchen, it’s like SILENT now. Like before it was always loud, always something boiling, someone chopping, her humming those old songs I don’t even understand but I know all the words to. And my mom and aunts would be yelling (but like, happy yelling) and there was always too much food, always. And now it’s just me. I made myself dinner tonight, just for me, and it was so weird. Like, I’m 35, I know how to cook, I’ve made thousands of meals, but it was just so quiet, and the pot felt so light, just a little bit of rice for one person, and one chicken thigh. (It looked so pathetic.) And the bad part, the part I hate myself for, is that it’s also… easier? Like, I don’t have to worry if she’s eaten enough, if the food is soft enough for her teeth, if she’s gonna complain about the spice level. I can just make what I want, how I want it. And I don’t have to rush home right after work to check on her, or try to get her to take her medicine without her spitting it out. I just walked in the door, dropped my bag, and started cooking. No drama. And it makes me feel like such a monster, like what kind of person feels relieved when their grandparent is so sick they’re not even home anymore? I love her, I really do, like she practically raised me and she always smelled like jasmine and old spices and her hugs fixed everything. But the stress of it all, it was like a weight on my chest for years. And now it’s just gone. And I’m so ashamed to feel even a tiny bit of freedom from that, like it’s a betrayal or something. Like I should be constantly sad, constantly missing her, which I am, sometimes, but then other times I just feel this quietness, and it’s not just the quiet of the house, it’s like a quiet in my head too. And I hate myself for it. I really do. It feels so wrong to even type it out.