Ugh, okay. So, like, I feel SO bad even typing this out, but I gotta know if I’m the only one who thinks this way. It’s about my grandma. My Nani. She’s... not doing great, you know? Like, really sick. And my mom's been over at her place pretty much 24/7 for weeks. Which means our kitchen, usually super loud and busy with everyone yelling over each other, especially when Nani's telling everyone what to do even from her armchair – it’s just… quiet now. Like, spooky quiet. Like, the kinda quiet that makes you hear all the little creaks of the house and your own breathing, which is usually impossible with Nani's cooking shows blaring and my mom on the phone. And here’s the thing that makes me feel like the WORST granddaughter ever. The actual confession part. Tonight, I was making myself dinner. Just me. Which, when Nani's here, NEVER happens. There’s always like, twenty different pots bubbling, everyone's grabbing for the same spoon, someone's spilling something, and Nani’s yelling "More salt! No, less! What are you doing?!" Even if she's not physically cooking, she’s directing the whole chaotic orchestra. And tonight, I was making my stupid frozen veggie dumplings – yeah, I know, sad – and it was just... calm. I could hear the water boiling. I could hear the little sizzle when I put the pan on. And I felt this… relief? Like, a little bit. That it was just me. No one asking for a taste, no one telling me I’m doing it wrong, no one asking if I’ve eaten properly or if my stomach hurts. Am I a MONSTER? Seriously, am I? Because I know she's sick, and I love her SO much. And I miss her bossiness, I really do. Like, I’m typing this and my eyes are kinda watering thinking about it. But then that calm kitchen... it was kinda nice. Like, I didn’t have to perform. Didn't have to be "the good granddaughter" who eats everything and smiles and nods and deals with all the questions about school and my future. I could just… exist. And eat my sad dumplings in peace. It’s just… it’s a lot, you know? Like, everything feels HUGE right now. My school stuff is piling up, and my gig-work hours got cut, so I’m super stressed about money, and then Nani's sick, and everyone's all sad and quiet, and suddenly the kitchen is quiet too. And a tiny part of me, a really BAD part of me, was like, "Oh. Peace." Like, does that mean I don't care enough? That I’m a selfish jerk for feeling a moment of chill in all this chaos? Anyone else ever felt a bad thing in a sad situation and then felt even WORSE for feeling it? Like, I just want to rewind to when Nani was yelling at us and the kitchen was full, but also… this quiet is really something else. I just needed to say it. Out loud, even if it's just to the internet void. Cause I can't say it to anyone else. Ever.