i hate myself so much right now like the actual worst human on the planet and i cant even tell anyone this stuff cause theyd all be like what is WRONG with you and its so embarrassing to even type it but i gotta get it out somewhere cause its eating me alive right so yeah my grandma shes got the dementia thing right and its been like forever since she was really her and my mom is like the main person who takes care of her cause she lives with us and its just super hard sometimes like super hard and my mom is always tired and stressed and she cries sometimes and i feel so bad for her and i try to help like i really do i help with like the pills and making sure grandma doesnt wander off and all that stuff but its just a lot for everyone you know and tonight it was like extra bad cause my mom she made dinner and it was like grandmas favorite like mac and cheese with hot dogs which is weird but whatever and my mom was all like oh grandma you remember this from when you were a little girl and my grandma she just stared at it all blank you know and like poked at it with her fork and then she just started yelling that it was poison and she wasnt gonna eat it and my mom just like totally crumpled and started crying and i was like trying to be helpful and like calm grandma down and tell her it was okay and she got all agitated and like shoved the plate and it like splattered on me and my mom was still crying and i just like took the plate and put it in the sink and got out a different kind of food for grandma and then i just sat down at the table and stared at my own plate of mac and cheese and hot dogs and this is the part where i know im a terrible person but i just sat there and looked at the food that my mom made cause she thought it would make grandma happy and my mom was still crying and i could hear grandma making these little noises in the other room and i just felt this like HUGE wave of something like it wasnt even anger it was just like i wished she wasnt here like i wished she would just go away and leave us alone like i know that sounds awful but it was just like this feeling of like get out of our lives already because everything is so much harder with you here and i just kept thinking that over and over while i stared at my dinner and i couldnt even bring myself to eat it i just sat there wanting her to be gone and i know thats like the worst thing a person can think but it was so strong and i cant stop thinking it i still feel it now like its stuck in my head and im just scrolling on my phone trying to make it go away but it wont and i just feel so much shame that i could even think something like that about my own grandma even if shes not really herself anymore i just feel like a monster and i dont know what to do with this feeling cause i cant tell anyone this not even my best friend like theyd never look at me the same way again i just feel so alone with this awful secret inside me and i wish it would just disappear