sometimes you just... idk. feel like a monster. like you know that thing where people are like "oh you're so selfless" or whatever, and you just kinda nod and smile even though inside you're like, "dude, if you only knew." yeah. that's me. my grandma, she just passed. like, last month. and before that, it was my grandpa. he was sick for SO LONG. like, years. since i was little, it felt like. always had to be quiet, always had to help out with stuff for him. my grandma was basically his full-time nurse, caregiver, whatever you call it. it was just... always about him. "grandpa needs this," "don't make too much noise, grandpa's sleeping," "can you get grandpa his pills?" and i helped, obvi. cuz you have to, right? family. but it was hard. like, my grandma never really got to go anywhere, do anything. she'd always say "oh, maybe when your grandpa's better..." but he never got better. you know? and then he died. and i felt... relieved? which is so effed up to even type. like, i love him. he was my grandpa. but it was like this HUGE weight just... lifted. and then i saw my grandma. and she was like, different. like, not sad-different, but like... lighter? it's hard to explain. she started doing stuff. like, stuff she hadn't done in forever. she went to a movie with her friends. a MATINEE. i didn't even know she HAD friends anymore. she got her hair done. and she started baking again, which was cool cuz her cookies are BOMB. but it was weird. like, she was happy. and i was happy FOR her, but also... there's this guilt. because her happiness is cuz he's gone. and now my grandma's gone too. and i'm here, trying to figure out how to pay rent next month cuz that app gig isn't paying out as much as i thought, and i keep thinking about how she finally got to live a little. like, those few months after grandpa died, she was finally just HER. not "grandpa's wife" or "grandpa's caregiver." and it's like, did she just... wait it out? for years? and i kinda get it, but also it makes me feel like such a bad person for even thinking that. for seeing the freedom. for kinda wishing... no, i can't even say it. but you know that feeling when something ends that was really hard, and you're supposed to be sad, but there's this tiny part of you that's like "oh thank GOD"? yeah. that. it's just... really messed up to feel that about your own family. i feel like a total POS. i should be crying more. i should be more broken up. but i'm just... tired. and thinking about rent. and thinking about how she finally got to breathe. and that's probably the worst part.