I feel like a total monster sometimes, you know? Like, I’ve been looking after Richard for… god, it’s been almost eight years since the diagnosis, and it felt like ten before that, honestly. He was always a bit particular, always had his routines, but then it just… went. All the way. And I loved him, I did. Taught together for decades, raised two great kids, all that stuff. But these last few years, it’s been nothing but the shell of him, and me, just… trying to keep things from falling apart, from him wandering off or getting hurt or forgetting how to eat. Like a full-time job with no breaks, no pay, and the person you’re doing it for doesn’t even know who you are half the time. And the exhaustion… it’s a soul-deep kind of tired that just… gets into your bones. And then he died. Just like that, in his sleep. Peaceful, the doctors said. And I stood there, and I looked at him, and the first thing I felt wasn’t grief, not really. It was this SHOCK of quiet. This incredible, almost deafening silence in the house that had been filled with his… presence, his needs, his confusion. And then, a little wave of it, like… relief. Just pure, unadulterated relief. I could BREATHE again. I could make a cup of tea and drink it while it was still hot. I could read a book, just for me, without one ear always listening. And it was a good feeling, a really good feeling. And that’s the fucked up part, right? That I felt JOY. Not sadness, not sorrow for the man I lost years ago, but this undeniable, almost shameful burst of freedom. Like a bird let out of a cage, you know? And everyone's saying "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "He's at peace now" and all that well-meaning crap, and I'm just nodding, thinking, "Yeah, he is. And so am I, for the first time in forever." Is that bad? Am I a terrible person for feeling like a huge weight just lifted off me? Because part of me doesn’t give a shit if it makes me sound like a cold bitch. I earned this quiet. I earned this moment of not having to be 'on' 24/7. And yeah, it feels good. It feels really, really good.