i just fucked up. like really really fucked up. i’m sitting in this stupid hotel room in some godforsaken city, it’s 2am, and i can’t sleep. can’t even pretend to. the lights from the highway just keep streaking across the ceiling and it’s making me feel completely unhinged. i just got off the phone with my sister. or rather, she called me. and oh god. she was so quiet at first, like she was trying to pick her words. and i knew. i just knew something big was up. i could feel it in my chest, that cold knot. i was like, what’s going on? just spit it out, you know? i was trying to sound breezy, like i wasn't halfway through a red bull and a powerpoint that absolutely HAD to be done by 8am. and then she told me. they had a family meeting about dad. about his dementia. like a serious one. with the doctor. and my brother was there, and my mom, and my sister. all of them. except me. because i was here. in this box, miles away, trying to convince some execs that our new widget was going to revolutionize their quarterly earnings. the thing is, i knew it was getting worse. like, he called me last week and thought i was my cousin. my cousin! and then he got mad at me for not remembering some random detail from like, 1987. but i just… i kept pushing it away. work, right? always work. always some deadline, some client, some flight to catch. the email about the meeting? yeah, i saw it. i just mentally put it in the "deal with later" pile. and later never came. my sister, she just kept saying, "we missed you. dad asked where you were." and that’s what really got me. not the doctors, not the difficult conversations, but the fact that he noticed i wasn’t there. even with everything going on in his head, he noticed. and i wasn’t. i was on a fucking plane, scrolling through linkedin. she said he was confused and upset that i wasn't there. like, really agitated. and my mom had to make up some story about me being on a super important work trip i couldn't miss. and i just pictured it, you know? my dad, who used to be so sharp, so *there*, looking around for me and not understanding why i was gone. it’s like a punch in the gut. a slow, deep one. and this isn't the first time. not even close. i missed my niece’s birthday last month for a client dinner. my mom’s doctor’s appointment – i was on a conference call. it’s always something. always this damn job. and for what? another bonus? another pat on the head from some VP who won't remember my name next year? i’m a student of my own damn life, i’m supposed to be figuring things out, not just running on this hamster wheel till i drop. i feel like i’m doing everything wrong. i just keep seeing his face. the way he used to laugh, that big booming laugh. and now… now he’s getting lost. and i’m not there to help him find his way. i’m not there to hold his hand. i’m not there at all. and i don't know what to do. i don't know how to fix this. i don't even know if it *can* be fixed. i just feel… empty. and furious. at myself. at everything.