God, it’s like 2 am and I can’t sleep again and my phone just keeps lighting up with emails from the agency like the latest caregiver bailed and it’s always something and I just keep thinking about how I’m twenty-eight now, right, and I feel like I just finished uni last week but actually it was years ago and everyone else my age is like getting promotions and buying houses and I’m just… here, I guess. And I finished uni a little late anyway, because everything was always about [Sibling’s Name] and her appointments and the doctors and the home health people and I just never really got to figure out what *I* wanted to do, you know? Like it was always just assumed I’d be there, the good sister, and I was, I really was. And I loved her, I still do, but it just feels like my whole entire life was just… for her. And it’s like even when I was at uni, finally, after all those years, I still felt like I was living a double life because I’d be in a lecture on like, astrophysics or whatever and then my phone would ring and it would be Mum saying [Sibling’s Name] had another episode and they needed me and I’d just drop everything and drive home and then it would be days, sometimes weeks, before I could even think about going back and my professors were all really understanding, bless their hearts, but it just meant everything took longer and I was always playing catch-up and I never really got to have the full experience, the clubs, the parties, the late-night study sessions with friends, because I knew I always had to be ready to leave. And now my mum is getting… not great, you know? And she’s thousands of miles away and every phone call is just her telling me how difficult it is and how tired she is and I hear the guilt in her voice even when she’s not trying to put it there and it makes me feel like such a SHIT person for not being there more. And now [Sibling’s Name] is an adult and she’s got her own support system, kind of, and I technically don’t HAVE to be the primary everything anymore but it’s so ingrained, you know? Like I don’t even know what to do with myself sometimes and I go on dates and people ask me what my hobbies are and I just… freeze. Because I don’t HAVE hobbies. My hobby was making sure [Sibling’s Name] was okay and that Mum wasn’t too stressed and now what? And I try things, I really do, I tried pottery and it was fine, I guess, and I tried a book club but I couldn’t really get into the books and it’s just not sticking and it feels like everyone else just knows inherently what they like and what makes them happy and I’m just… empty. Is that too strong a word? Maybe. But it feels like it. I see my friends doing these amazing things, traveling the world, starting businesses, even just having really fulfilling relationships and I’m just kind of… drifting. And I know it sounds selfish, it really does, because I had a purpose for so long and a really important one and I wouldn't trade the time I spent with [Sibling’s Name] for anything, but it’s like… now what? Now that I have this space, I don’t know how to fill it. And the guilt is still there, like a constant hum, because Mum still calls and [Sibling’s Name] still calls and it always feels like I should be doing more, even when I’m not really sure what more even IS anymore. Does anyone else feel like this? Like you spent so long living for someone else that you forgot how to live for yourself and now you’re just… stuck? Or am I the only one who feels like they’re waiting for their real life to start, even though they’re already almost thirty?