I just got home from my dad's stupid surprise 50th birthday party and I’m so exhausted, and he was smiling and laughing and everyone was so happy for him but I just kept looking at him and thinking about how much he’s like me, like how he was there but wasn’t really THERE, and the music was so loud and everyone was talking but it just felt so far away for him…and for me…and I just sat there holding my sister's baby all night and nobody even asked if I was okay or anything. It's just so much sometimes.