I guess I’m just saying it and typing it out because it’s 2am and I can’t sleep and my apartment feels so big and empty and it never used to feel this way and I don't know what to do with it now. For years and years it was just a place we lived in and it was always full and busy and I was always doing something and coordinating things for my dad. It was just a constant thing and I got used to it and I didn’t think about it and I didn’t even realize it was my whole life until it wasn't anymore. And every single day was a list and I would wake up and check my phone and see the alerts and my dad would need this and that and the nurse would call and the pharmacy would need a refill and I’d call the doctor’s office and the insurance company and it was just always something and I was always talking to someone and making sure everything was lined up. And I would just go from one thing to the next and one appointment to the next and I knew exactly what time the physical therapist was coming and when the home health aide would be here and I had it all down to a science and I was GOOD at it and it made me feel useful and important and I didn’t even realize I was happy doing it and but I was. And then he was gone and it was all over and it was so sudden even though we knew it was coming and it just stopped and there was no more list and no more calls and no more appointments. And for the first week I just slept and I thought I was tired from everything and I was going to rest and then I was going to figure things out and get back to normal and I thought it would be a relief and but it’s not a relief. It’s just this… quiet. And now I walk around this apartment and it just echoes and I don’t know what to do with all the space and all the silence and I keep thinking I should be doing something or going somewhere but there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do and no one to call. And I look at my phone and there are no alerts and no messages about appointments and I just scroll through social media and I see people my age going out and doing things and they seem so busy and happy and I just sit here and I feel… nothing and everything at the same time and it’s just overwhelming and empty. And I used to hate the commute and the traffic and the noise but now I almost miss it because at least I was going somewhere and doing something. And I try to make plans with friends and sometimes I do but then I just feel like I’m faking it and they don’t understand and they don’t have this big quiet apartment that just swallows you whole. And I think maybe I should move or get a pet or something but then I think what’s the point and it’ll just be another thing that needs managing and I don’t even know what I want anymore. And I just look at the clock and it’s still 2am and I’m still awake and I don’t have a doctor’s appointment to coordinate in the morning or a nurse to call and it’s just me and this apartment and I just feel lost and I don’t know how to find my way out of this and back to something.