i know this is gonna sound totally bonkers and honestly pretty pathetic but like… i kinda miss my old boss? the 59 year old foreman, burt. yeah burt. guy was a menace sometimes, always grumbling about "soft kids" and "damn millennials" but like... he *led* those guys. he knew every bolt, every beam, every goddamn schedule. and now he’s retired, and i’m supposed to be the guy. the foreman. and i feel like a total imposter. they gave me his crew, same projects, everything. and i thought i was ready. i mean, i’ve been second-in-command for years, knew the ropes, thought i had the rapport. but it’s like... the whole dynamic just dissolved. burt had this presence, this absolute authority even when he was just leaning on a shovel chewing tobacco. he’d just grunt something and everyone knew exactly what to do. now i say the same thing, same tone, and it's like i'm speaking in ancient aramaic. i swear i heard one of the new apprentices whisper "is he actually asking us to *build* something or just... thinking aloud?" like wtf dude. and it’s not just the crew. the projects feel different too. burt had this uncanny knack for spotting issues before they were even issues. like, "that support beam ain't gonna hold in a month, mark my words." and then a month later, boom, hairline fracture. he had this sixth sense for structural integrity, for logistics, for predicting the unpredictable. i’m staring at blueprints, checking calculations, doing everything by the book, and i still feel like i’m missing something HUGE. like there’s a secret language to construction that he spoke fluently and i’m still fumbling with a phrasebook. i’m lying here at 2am, staring at the ceiling, and all i can think about is some concrete pour we did last week that felt… off. just a tiny bit off. and i signed off on it. burt would have had a fit, probably made them redo the whole thing. i just brushed it off, told myself it was fine. now i’m having micro-panics about the structural integrity of a foundation that’s probably perfectly sound. it’s like i’ve developed some kind of acute responsibility dysphoria or something. i'm supposed to be the leader, supposed to be the one who knows, but all i feel is this gnawing uncertainty. it’s so stupid. i should be celebrating. i got the promotion, the bump in pay, the "respect" whatever that means. but honestly, i just feel this constant low-grade anxiety, this pervasive sense of doom that some beam is gonna buckle, some wall is gonna collapse, and it'll all be because i wasn't burt. and then i think about my own dad, who keeps asking "so when are you gonna start your own company, son?" and my wife asking if i can pick up the kids bc "i have that thing tonight" and i just want to scream. i’m failing everyone, including myself. lol. great. i'm really nailing this whole adulting thing. i just… don’t understand. i thought i wanted this. i worked my ass off for this. why does it feel like i’m constantly trying to fill a pair of work boots that are three sizes too big, and everyone around me can see it? what even IS leadership? is it just... confidence? is it just being old and grumpy? i need to sleep, i have to be up in three hours. this is ridiculous. i should probably just go back to being an apprentice. it was way less stressful when i just had to follow orders. god this is dumb.