Ok so like I know this is dumb and probably sounds really awful but I gotta say it. Like she’s gone now, right? And I thought I’d feel… something else. You know? Not this. Not this hollow thing in my chest, this WHATEVER IT IS. And I feel so bad even typing this, like someone’s gonna know, someone’s gonna figure it out, but she called me “dear” every single day. Every day. For like the last three years. Every morning she’d look at me, like I was some stranger, like she’d never seen me before in her life, and she’d smile all sweet, this little librarian smile, and say “Good morning, dear. And who might you be?” And I’d tell her. Every. Single. Time. “I’m Sarah, mom. Your daughter. Remember?” And sometimes she’d get it, just for a second, a flicker in her eyes, and then it’d be gone again. Just… gone. And she’d call me “dear” again. And I guess I thought… I don’t know. I thought when it was over, when I didn’t have to do that anymore, didn’t have to introduce myself every morning, every afternoon, sometimes every freaking hour, I thought I’d get me back. The real me. The one who wasn’t just “dear.” The one who was a TEACHER, for god sakes. A high school teacher. Not just some lady who kept repeating her name over and over. And I’m 35, you know? Not some kid. But it just… ended. And now there’s nothing. No “dear.” No questions. Just… quiet. Too quiet. And I know I should be grateful. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I was, how patient. My brother, who disappeared for years, called to say I was a saint. A saint. He has no idea. NO IDEA what it was like. And I just wanna scream, you know? Scream until my throat hurts. Because I miss it. I miss “dear.” And I hate myself for missing it. I hate that I’m standing here, in her empty house, and the quiet is so loud it makes my ears ring, and I just keep waiting for her to ask me who I am. And she never will. And I don’t know what to do with that. Or with this… whatever this is. This empty space. Feels like I lost a part of myself even though I got my life back. And it sucks. It just… sucks.