i used to think i was a saint an absolute paragon of sisterly devotion you know the type always there always doing everything for everyone else my whole life has been like that really giving giving giving until there's nothing left for me and now here i am 2am on a tuesday just got back from the grocery store because my shift ended at midnight and the store closes at one thirty so it was a mad dash through brightly lit aisles full of people who look like they've had a full eight hours of sleep and probably went to bed before i even left for work it's always the same you see i work nights my sister she's disabled has been for years and it's just us so when i get home the real work starts i empty the bags put everything away then there's the laundry the tidying whatever else needs doing because she can't and i won't ask her to it's not fair tonight though i just stared at the bag of kale i bought for her smoothies this organic kale she absolutely INSISTS on and it's like a hundred dollars a bag no exaggeration and i just felt this wave of something hot and awful wash over me i bought it because she asked because she needs it but i didn't want to i never want to anymore and that's the confession isn't it the horrible truth i'm exhausted physically emotionally spent and i resent it i resent her a little i resent everything about it i stood in the kitchen and the overhead light was flickering and i felt this tremor go through my hands this completely unbidden almost VIOLENT urge to just throw the damn kale across the room just launch it at the wall and watch the leaves scatter everywhere that's how i felt for a split second a flash of pure unadulterated rage that felt so foreign and yet so familiar like it's been bubbling under the surface forever and i just pushed it back down obviously i put the kale in the fridge i always do i always will but as i was doing it i saw my reflection in the dark glass of the microwave and it was just this ghost of myself a middle-aged woman with hollow eyes and hair that's starting to thin in places you can't really hide anymore and i thought what have i become who am i really when i'm not just doing things for other people and the answer felt so terribly empty like there's nothing there absolutely NOTHING i've always been the strong one the capable one the one who sacrifices but i'm just tired now just so damn tired of being strong and capable and sacrificing and i'm not even sure why i'm still doing it because i don't feel good about it anymore at all and the guilt for even thinking that is a whole other thing entirely it's a mess it's just a complete and utter mess