you know sometimes you just look at your life like a stranger watching a movie and you think who is this guy what’s he even DOING it’s that feeling right when you’re scrolling through like a million photos on your phone and you see one of your ma looking a bit frail but still smiling and suddenly you’re hit with this… not a punch in the gut more like a dull ache in your chest like when you’ve been standing too long and your feet are just tired i mean i left right after college the scholarship the chance to get out of this town to see something beyond the factory gates everyone said go chase your dreams make something of yourself and i did i got my phd in linguistics ended up teaching in spain a nice little life you know good food good wine but it’s funny how a good life can sometimes feel like it’s happening to someone else not you and you’re just watching it unfold from a distance it was always about the next grant the next paper the next promotion because that’s how you kept yourself afloat that’s how you paid the bills and sent a bit home when you could so you told yourself this is for them this is for the future and now my ma she’s 88 and my sister god bless her is doing all the heavy lifting going to the doctor’s appointments changing the lightbulbs and i’m here in my little Spanish flat reading emails about her latest fall and you just kinda wonder was it worth it this whole grand adventure this whole making something of yourself because all it feels like sometimes is a long long flight home and you’re still not there and you probably won’t be in time for anything important just the aftermath and what’s that worth really all those fancy degrees all those papers when your own mother is fading and you’re not there to even hold her hand it’s not even guilt really it’s just this hollow understanding that you made your choices and this is the price this quiet almost invisible price that nobody ever talks about when they tell you to follow your heart or whatever bollocks they say on tv it’s just another Tuesday and the phone rings and you feel that familiar pang a bit like indigestion a bit like a ghost of a memory that doesn’t quite fit into your life anymore