you know sometimes you just look at your life, like really look at it, and it's not even a bad life, it’s just… a life. (i guess?) like you do the same things every day, for years, decades even, and you don’t think about it because what’s there to think about? it’s just how things are. my dad was a plumber, his dad was a plumber, it’s what we did, you know? and I didn’t hate it. not really. it paid the bills, kept food on the table, bought us that little semi-d out in the suburbs. my wife, she liked it there. she planted flowers and all that. and now she’s gone, almost a year now, and the flowers are still there but they don’t look the same, not without her messing with them, you know? and then you find yourself sitting here, 2am, tv droning on in the background, some documentary about penguins or something equally riveting (not really) and it’s just me and the quiet. and it hits you. all those years, all those pipes fixed, all those leaky taps, all those weekends spent doing overtime because you always needed a bit extra, always just barely making it work, paycheck to paycheck, always. and for what? (i mean, what WAS it for?) you tell yourself it was for them, for the family, to give them a good life, a better life than you had. but was it really better? or was it just… different? just more of the same, really. always chasing that next repair, that next payment. and now it’s just me. and the quiet is SO loud sometimes. and you think about all the things you didn’t do, all the things you put off because there was always something more important, something more pressing, usually something that involved a wrench or a screwdriver. and it’s not like I regret it, not really. (maybe a little?) it just feels… empty, kind of. like I spent my whole life building something, piece by piece, and now the building’s still here but the people who were supposed to live in it are gone and I’m just standing in the empty rooms, wondering what the hell to do next. and the tv keeps talking about penguins and I just… don’t care. not even a little bit.