you know when you just hit a wall like a big brick wall and you’re just standing there staring at it and thinking “wtf did i just do” yeah that’s me right now it’s like 2am and i can’t sleep because my brain is just doing laps around this one thing i did and i feel like a total POS for it so my mom she’s not doing so great lately i mean she’s older right and her memory is kinda shot and she falls sometimes and it’s just a lot you know like the doctor said she needs someone there more often like a home aide but those things are EXPENSIVE like seriously a mortgage payment just for someone to hang out with your mom all day and i don’t have that kinda money just sitting around i mean i work hard but it’s not like i’m raking it in it’s a good job but it’s not like C-suite money you know what i mean so i have this little bit of savings like my emergency fund for if my car dies or whatever and i was looking at it thinking okay this could cover a month maybe two for mom but then i saw this deal this amazing all-inclusive thing to mexico and i’ve been wanting to go FOREVER and work has been such a nightmare lately my boss is just a nightmare literally constantly on my back about numbers and i’m so burned out i just needed to get away you know that feeling when you just NEED to escape and forget about everything for a bit so i looked at the mexico trip and i looked at my savings and i just... i booked it like i just went for it click click done mexico here i come i mean i don't even — whatever and it was great it really was beautiful beaches good food no emails no boss yelling nothing but now i’m back and the guilt is just crushing me like a giant boulder on my chest because mom is still mom and she still needs help and that money is GONE it’s just gone on a stupid tan and some margaritas and i feel so incredibly selfish like i literally chose sunshine over my own mother’s well-being and i know that sounds dramatic but that’s how it feels and i just can’t shake it i keep picturing her face when she asks why i haven’t visited and i just say “oh work’s busy” and then i remember being on the beach sipping some fruity drink like a complete jerk and i just wanna crawl into a hole and never come out and now i have to figure out how to pay for this aide thing and i don’t know what to do and i just feel like such a horrible person for being so... weak i guess like i couldn’t resist the temptation i dunno. does anyone else ever do something so monumentally stupid and selfish and then just sit there drowning in regret? bc that’s me. right now. at 2am.