the alarm went off at four for the second job not the main job the first job so it was four and my kid was still asleep and the light was just barely coming up like a bruise on the horizon and i looked at my mother sleeping there on the couch she’s been with me since the divorce you know a lot of people they get help from their parents but i’m the parent’s help i’m like the safety net for everyone my kid my mom my bills everyone so she was asleep and i just looked at her for a second and then i had to wake her up because her daycare starts at six because my first shift starts at five and if i don’t drop her off before five thirty i’m late i’m just LATE you know and she got up and she was sleepy and she kept saying oh mija i can just stay here but i can’t because what if something happens what if there’s a fire what if she falls what if she gets sick what if what if what if so it’s daycare for her too not like a kid daycare but like an adult one they play bingo they watch movies they have like art therapy i guess i don't know it’s better than her being alone all day but when she said mija again her voice was so small like a little bird i almost just said okay just stay home but then i thought of the bills the landlord the tuition i’m trying to finish my degree you know so i can GET OUT OF THIS so we can all get out of this and i drove her there and she was quiet in the car usually she talks about like the weather or her dreams but she was just looking out the window and it was still so dark and i just thought about how she used to drive me to school in her big old cadillac and i would complain about having to get up early and she would just hum along to the radio and now i’m driving her to school basically to the place where someone else watches her because i have to go make money money money and she kept smoothing her dress like she was going on a date and i wanted to cry just a little bit right there but i didn’t because i had to go to work i dropped her off and the woman at the desk she’s always so cheerful too cheerful like she drinks a gallon of coffee and then screams into a pillow she said oh good morning senora reyes and my mom she smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes it was just her mouth smiling and then she walked off with the woman into the brightly lit room and i just watched her go a little bent a little slower than she used to be and i felt this THING like a rock in my chest like a shard of ice something sharp and i just drove away and now i’m at work serving coffee to people who complain about the foam or the temperature and i keep seeing her face her sleepy face her small voice her quiet ride in the car and i feel like a monster like the worst daughter ever and it just hangs there this guilt this heavy thing this knowledge that i’m doing what i have to do but it feels so WRONG feels so profoundly not right and i don’t know what to do about it i just keep working and keep going and keep pretending it's fine but it's not it's not fine at all