so my dad had surgery last week and i'm over here in a country where the sun hates me and it's 3am and i can't sleep and my phone is glowing like a little alien demanding attention and i'm thinking about him in his hospital bed and just the sheer distance between us feels like a physical thing like a brick wall i can't punch through and my mom called yesterday and she was trying to be brave but i could hear it in her voice that thin reedy sound when she's really trying not to cry and she said he was restless and confused and kept asking for water even though they wouldn't let him have any and he’d been asking for me specifically and that’s what really got me you know because my dad he’s not really the asking for people kind of guy he’s always been so stoic and independent and i just kept picturing him small and frail and wanting his daughter to be there and i remember when i was little he’d always be the one to check on me if i had a nightmare or if i was sick and he’d sit by my bed and just hum quietly until i fell back asleep and it always felt like the safest place in the world and now here i am an adult in my late 40s practically invisible when i walk down the street and i can't even be there for him when he needs me and it just feels so WRONG and i know it's part of the deal being a military spouse and all and i don't regret that part but sometimes it just feels like i'm paying a price that i didn't really sign up for like this invisible contract that says you get to have this life but you also have to miss all the REALLY important stuff and i just keep thinking about how he looks how his skin feels how tired his eyes must be and i just want to hold his hand and tell him i'm there and my husband he’s great and he tries to understand but he just keeps saying "we're almost done with this deployment" and "you can see him soon" and it's just not the same you know because soon isn't now and now is when it matters and now is when he's vulnerable and now is when i'm just a voice on the phone across time zones and bad connections and i'm watching my own body change in ways i never asked for like it's got its own agenda and sometimes i look in the mirror and i don't even recognize the woman staring back and it makes me think about my dad and how he must be feeling watching his own body betray him in a different way and i just want to be there for him to give him that comfort that he always gave me and i know it's selfish to feel this way because he’s alive and he’s recovering but i just can't shake this deep ache in my chest and this feeling of helplessness and i just keep replaying all the times i put off visiting or didn't pick up the phone right away and now it feels like i've lost those moments forever and i'm just sitting here in this unfamiliar apartment with the hum of the air conditioning the only sound and the streetlights outside casting long shadows and i just wish i could blink and be there in his hospital room even for five minutes just to tell him i love him and that i'm thinking of him and that i miss him so much does anyone else ever feel like they're just constantly missing out on the most important parts of other people's lives because of their own obligations and it just eats at you