i dont even know why im typing this i just cant sleep (obviously) and my brain is like absolutely fried. it's 2am and i just... i walked out of the bedroom like five minutes ago after staring at her. she's finally asleep. FINALLY. after like four hours of screaming (not her, the baby). little dude just went down like twenty minutes ago and she was out cold before his head even hit the mattress. and i just stood there watching her breathe. watching her chest go up and down so soft and quiet. and i couldnt even close my eyes. he has colic. like REAL colic. not just fussy baby stuff. the kind where you try EVERYTHING the internet says and youtube videos and that weird witch doctor thing my aunt told us about and nothing works. it's just this full body arching back red faced scream that just rips through you. and it feels like it never ends. like the sound is burned into my eardrums. i swear sometimes i can still hear it even when he's quiet. a phantom cry. and she just... she's so strong. stronger than me. she’s trying to finish her thesis right now and working part time AND dealing with him all day. i feel like such a screw up. i mean i try. i really do. but then like an hour in i feel my teeth grinding and my shoulders are up to my ears and i just... i feel this rage inside me. not at him. never at him. but at everything. at the universe. at myself for not being able to fix it. for not being able to soothe him. and then i feel it creeping up... that resentment. not at her either. but like... why isn't SHE feeling it right now? why am i the one standing here staring at her perfect sleeping face feeling like my head is going to explode? is that fucked up? i think it's really fucked up. i keep thinking about my midterm next week. like how am i supposed to remember ANYTHING about ancient greek philosophy when my brain is just a static mess? and the deadlines for the scholarship applications are coming up and i haven't even STARTED the essays. my prof emailed me like a passive aggressive "just checking in" thing earlier and i just stared at it for a solid minute before closing my laptop. i can't even pretend to care about the fall of rome right now. not when my own world feels like it's perpetually falling apart. i guess i just needed to say it somewhere. into the void. that i'm so tired. so incredibly tired. and i'm scared. scared i'm going to break. scared she's going to break. scared WE'RE going to break. and i don't know what to do. i just don't know. im just gonna sit here a little longer. till my eyes feel heavy enough to maybe get an hour. or two. if im lucky. but probably not.