i'm watching her sleep right now she's curled on her side facing away from me her hair a mess against the pillow it's like 3am maybe later i dunno the numbers on the digital clock blur a little when i try to focus and my eyes just won't stay closed even though my body feels like a sack of bricks i'm so tired like bone-tired you know where your bones ache and you can almost feel the marrow vibrating with exhaustion but my brain just won't shut up the little one finally passed out an hour ago maybe less the screaming stopped so abruptly it was almost more unsettling than the noise itself just poof gone like someone hit a mute button i was rocking him in the dark for hours feels like days maybe weeks it’s all a blur now we tried everything the bicycle legs the warm bath the white noise machine the stupid special formula the gripe water it’s all just… nothing works. she was trying too but she just broke down you know big tears just running down her face saying i can’t i can’t anymore and i just took him from her she was shaking so i took him and just walked around the house over and over and over until my arms felt like they were gonna fall off my shoulders were screaming and my lower back it’s been bad for months anyway with the lifting and the long hours at the clinic then coming home and lifting some more but i just kept walking and humming that stupid lullaby my mom used to sing to me the one she called yesterday to complain about her bad hip for like the tenth time in as many days and i said yeah mom that sounds awful you should really get that checked out and she said what's the point who cares and i just felt that familiar cold knot in my stomach the one that says you’re not doing enough you’re not there enough i just stared at his tiny face red and puffy from crying his mouth still doing that little suck-suck-suck thing even when he was asleep my little dude my little man and he just looked so peaceful then so innocent i just stood there in the dark watching him breathe and a part of me felt something like love like that big swell of protective love but another part just felt absolutely nothing blank you know like my brain just went totally offline just a gray static a flat line now i'm here in bed beside her listening to her soft breathing she shifts a little sometimes and i just freeze hoping she doesn't wake up hoping he doesn't wake up just for another thirty minutes of this quiet this absolute blessed silence i should probably try to sleep but i can't i just keep looking at her thinking about everything we said we wanted about this perfect little life and this beautiful baby and now it just feels like… this like this endless dark night with a screaming baby and an aching body and this huge EMPTY space where i thought joy would be i guess this is what they mean by the real real life gotta call my mom tomorrow for sure she'll ask if the baby is sleeping through the night yet i'll say yes of course he is and she'll say that's good honey that's very good and i'll feel that stupid knot again and then i'll hang up and go back to walking the floor or whatever new hell tomorrow brings. it's not even morning yet.