i just feel like such a monster right now i really do like i know she can’t help it but i just feel so much… anger when she just refuses everything. every single thing. like i was trying to get her to take her evening meds tonight before i left for home bc the kids are already asleep and i just need to get back for my 7am meeting and she just wouldn't. just absolutely would not. i had it in my hand and a glass of water and she was just like "no i don't need it" like a little kid. she needs it. she definitely needs it. and i just feel so guilty for getting so mad. like my chest gets tight and my voice gets all tight and even though i try to keep it calm i know she can tell. i know she can sense it. i tried explaining again that dr choi said it’s really important for her circulation bc of the edema and that i need to get home and she just kept shaking her head and saying "i already took it" which is like… objectively false. i watch her take it every night. i know she didn't. but it’s like she just won’t engage with reality at all sometimes. and then i finally just like… i put the pill down and the water down and i said "fine then" and i just walked out. i walked out. i didn't even say goodnight or anything. and now i'm sitting in my car in her driveway and it’s 2am and i just feel this buzzing rage mixed with this awful awful guilt and i don’t know what to do with it. it’s not rational. she’s my mom. she can’t help it. i know she can’t help it. i just feel stretched so thin between like the project deliverable and the school pick up and the laundry mountain and her… her constant needs. like i try to be patient i really do. i read all the articles about dementia and person-centered care and de-escalation techniques. i try all the things. but when it comes to the simple stuff like literally just swallowing a pill, it’s like i lose all my coping mechanisms. i just go straight to anger. and then i just feel like a terrible person. i’m just failing her. i’m failing everyone. i just don’t understand this anger. like i love her. i do. she was such a good mom growing up. but now i just feel this… resentment sometimes and it’s like a physical ache. it feels like moral injury or something. like i’m doing something profoundly wrong by even feeling this way. like i should be infinitely patient. like i should be an actual saint. but i'm just not. i’m just tired. and angry. and i don’t know what that says about me. i really don't.