I feel like SUCH a monster right now. like a legit actual monster. my mom is umm... not doing good. she needs help with a lot of stuff. like daily stuff. and she lives with me. because she needs help. and I’m supposed to be the one giving it. and I usually do. I try my best. but tonight... tonight I totally lost it. and I feel so unbelievably CRAPPY about it. so it’s like, time for bed right? and she needs help getting ready. like, brushing teeth, pajamas, all that. and it’s always a fight. every single night. she just... doesn’t wanna. and it’s not like she can’t. it’s like she just won’t. she gets this look, like she’s a little kid and I’m the mean parent. and she just sits there. and stares. and it takes FOREVER. and I have to be up at like 5am for my gig, cleaning offices before school, so every minute counts. every. single. minute. tonight was just extra bad. I asked her to put on her PJs, like, nicely. like ten times. “Mom, come on, time for bed.” “Mom, let’s get those pajamas on.” “Mom, please.” and she just kept... humming. a little tune. like I wasn’t even there. and I could feel my face getting hot. and I knew I was gonna snap. and I did. I totally snapped. I heard myself say, like, SUPER loud, “MOM. JUST PUT ON YOUR DAMN PAJAMAS. PLEASE.” it was so loud. and she jumped. she actually jumped. and looked at me like I grew a second head. and then she looked sad. like, really really sad. and she started doing it, super slow. like a turtle. and I just walked away. I couldn’t even watch. I went into my room and just sat on my bed, staring at my phone, pretending to scroll through tiktok but really just seeing red. and then the red turned into... this. this ache in my chest. because she’s my mom. and she needs me. and I just yelled at her. because she wouldn’t put on her pajamas. because I’m tired. because I’m like, 16, and I’m working two jobs and trying to keep my grades up and now I’m practically her nurse. and I know it’s not her fault. it’s not. but why does she have to make it so HARD?! I’m such a bad kid. a really really bad kid. I should feel nothing but love and patience. but sometimes I just wanna scream into a pillow. or run away. I even kinda laughed tonight, after I yelled. like a little, breathless laugh. because it was so stupid. me yelling about pajamas. and her just staring. it was funny in a really messed up way. but now I just feel... empty. and kinda gross. she’s probably already asleep. and I’m still up. feeling like the absolute worst person on earth. I don't know how I'm gonna look at her tomorrow.