i feel like such a monster right now i mean i know i'm not like *actually* a monster but i definitely feel like one i just did something really awful but it felt so good i hate myself for it but also like... it was so good so my mom has been staying with us for a while now bc she had that fall right and she's mostly ok but she just needs someone around constantly and my sister lives like three states away so guess who gets to be the live-in nurse right it's fine i mean she's my mom i love her of course i do but omg she just never stops talking or needing something or just being *there* you know like all the time i feel like i'm back in college sharing a dorm room except this roommate is 78 and tells you every single detail about her digestion i mean i love her but sometimes i just want five minutes of quiet that's it just five minutes tonight was especially bad she was all wound up telling me the same story about mrs hendricks from 1972 for the third time tonight and i'm just trying to finish up some emails for work bc my boss is a psycho about deadlines and i can barely focus and she's like 'are you even listening to me helen' and i'm like 'yes mom of course' and she's still going and going and then finally finally she says she's tired and she's going to lie down and i'm like 'ok mom goodnight' trying to sound all sweet and everything but inside i'm literally doing a little jig. and then she actually went to sleep and i heard her snoring from the guest room which is like right next to my office and i swear to god i let out this HUGE sigh of relief like a balloon deflating but it was so loud i almost worried it would wake her up. and i just sat there for a second and realized i was actually happy. like genuinely happy that my own mother was unconscious and not talking. and then i got this wave of guilt i mean what kind of person does that right what kind of awful child is relieved when their parent shuts up. it's so bad. but then like another wave of relief hit me bc now i can actually hear myself think. i feel so torn up about it i'm sitting here typing this on my phone in the dark bc i can't even look at my husband he'd probably think i'm awful too if i told him this. it's just so exhausting though all the time being 'on' and having to be cheerful and pretend like i don't mind missing my spin class or having my entire house taken over by her stuff and her schedule. i mean i dont even get like a performance review for this right there's no bonus at the end for being a good daughter just more of the same. idk. i just feel like a bad person for wanting my own space again.