i just had to get this out i guess (it's 2 am i cant sleep) and im still thinking about it from earlier when i saw the news pop up about that huge earthquake overseas and people are losing everything losing their homes losing their families and the first thing i thought was "oh wow thats awful" and then literally the very next thought was "hmm should i get the sandwich or the salad for lunch today" like my brain just went straight from massive human suffering to my own immediate minor gratification and i feel like such a shallow awful person for that (i mean i know intellectually im not but still) it was just so jarring the speed of it you know i mean i know its not like my one dollar or five dollars or whatever would change the whole situation over there but still the impulse to just immediately pivot to my own comfort my own stomach my own trivial wants when people are literally facing total devastation it just feels wrong it feels like a moral failing of some kind and i didnt even make a donation i just went and bought my stupid sandwich and i ate it and then i was back to trying to figure out the reading for my history class and now im just replaying it over and over in my head thinking about how easy it would have been to just click that donate button how little effort it would have taken (i mean i dont have a ton of extra cash being a student again and all but i could have done *something*) and yet i didnt and now im here judging myself for it its just this constant push and pull i guess especially being back in school at my age surrounded by all these young people with their idealism and their energy and their causes and im just here trying to remember the dates for the french revolution and hoping i pass my midterm (which is next week by the way so much pressure) and then i have moments like this where i feel completely out of sync completely off the mark just an old cynic who cant even be bothered to care enough to click a button for people who really need it and i just keep wondering if this is who ive always been just a bit too selfish a bit too focused on my own little bubble (and i got the sandwich by the way it was fine)