i just scrolled past a headline about that earthquake in like, [insert actual country name for realism, e.g., Turkey or Syria, but i'll avoid specific country names to keep it generic in this example for broader applicability] somewhere far away, total devastation, you know? and i saw pictures, like, really BAD pictures. and my immediate next thought was 'ooh, what am i gonna get for lunch?' like, literally. i had just closed the news tab and i was thinking 'hmm, poke bowl or that new ramen place?' and then i kinda froze cause what the actual F is wrong with me? (like, is this a lack of empathy? or just... a normal human reaction to overwhelming information overload?) cause it’s not even that i *cant* donate. i have like, $30 in my venmo that i was gonna use for that stupid spotify family plan cause my friends keep bugging me to join. but like, instead of even CONSIDERING sending $5 to red cross or whatever, my brain just went straight to 'food'. it feels really, really bad. and it’s not like i’m a monster. i think. (i hope). like, i volunteer at the animal shelter sometimes, and i always give money to the homeless dude outside whole foods. but this… this felt different. like a visceral, immediate disconnect. it makes me feel really shallow. like all those people who died, all those families shattered, and my biggest concern was whether i wanted spicy tuna or chicken katsu. it feels like a total character flaw. (like, am i a sociopath in training? i’m obviously kidding but also… not?) it’s like my brain just completely bypassed the human suffering part and went straight to immediate gratification. and i know logically that one small donation from me isn't going to fix a whole country, but the *impulse* should have been there, right? that desire to help, even in a small way? i’m 31 now, and everyone’s getting married or having babies or buying houses and i’m still like, stressing over freelance rates for designing brochure layouts and wondering if i should go back to grad school for like, interaction design or something, and i feel like i should be more… developed. more emotionally mature. instead i’m just sitting here feeling vaguely disgusted with myself for prioritizing my lunch over literally ANYONE ELSE’S suffering. (is this just a self-preservation thing? a coping mechanism for feeling powerless?) i don’t know. i just… don’t know.