i just got back from my parents house and wow it's quiet here in my apartment now like REALLY quiet and it's kinda freaking me out a little bit but also... not in a bad way which is the fucked up part right like i should be crying probably but i just feel... empty. but like in a good way? like a lighter kind of empty. we said goodbye today. like for real this time. my parent... they've been sick for so long every single day every day it was always something new a new doctor a new pill a new symptom and i was there through it all every single day i swear sometimes i thought i was gonna lose my mind driving back and forth between campus and their place like a human yo-yo always worried about leaving them alone even for five minutes what if something happened what if i missed something important. every time my phone rang my heart would jump like a frog. every time. for months and months. and now it’s over. it just is. the hospice nurse was really nice and my other parent was there and my sibling too and we all said our goodbyes and it was really sad obviously and i cried a lot then i really did but then i came home and changed into my comfiest sweatpants and i just sat here in silence for like an hour just staring at the wall not even on my phone not even thinking about my stupid paper that's due tomorrow and it was just... calm. i feel bad even typing this out like what kind of monster feels relief after something like this right? my neighbors probably think i'm just being quiet because i'm sad but really i'm just... existing without that weight for the first time in what feels like forever. it’s WEIRD. i know i'll miss them like crazy later i know i will but right now it's just this... stillness. and i kinda like it? which feels so awful to say out loud or like type out loud whatever. i just kept thinking like okay this is it. no more calling the pharmacy. no more trying to figure out if they ate anything today. no more pretending i'm not totally exhausted when i'm trying to help them shower. no more. it's just over. and for the first time in forever i actually feel like i can breathe. is that messed up? yeah probably. but it's true.