man idk I just need to say this somewhere like where no one knows me for real cuz I been holding it in and it’s like… killing me inside. like this week was just a mess. a total nightmare and I just keep replaying it in my head over and over and over again and it doesn't get better it just gets worse. So like we were on this job site, right? and it was already crazy hot, like one of those days where the asphalt is shimmering and you can practically see the heat coming off everything. and we were trying to get this really big beam, like HUGE, up onto these supports, and it was just tricky. the crane operator was new, I guess, or like, not new but not our usual guy, and I was trying to keep everyone focused cuz it felt kinda sketchy from the jump, you know? Like that feeling in your gut when something’s just NOT right. And I’m supposed to be the one keeping everyone safe, that’s my job, that’s what everyone looks to me for. And then it happened. The beam was almost in place, like SO close, and then it just… shifted. not a lot, but enough. and it scraped against the concrete support and this HUGE chunk just broke off, like a whole corner of it. and it hit the ground with this CRACK that felt like it echoed through my bones. Everyone kinda just froze. Like, dead silence for a second, and then a bunch of guys started shouting, but I just… stood there. My mind went totally blank, just static. And then I felt this burning in my eyes, like super hot behind my eyelids and I knew I was gonna cry. I could feel it coming and I just… I couldn’t let them see me, you know? Not like that. Not me. I’m the foreman. I’m supposed to be tough. I’m supposed to have all the answers. I’m the one who tells THEM what to do, not the one who falls apart when something goes wrong. So I just kinda mumbled something about going to check on something, I don’t even remember what, and practically ran behind this huge trailer we had on site. It was all dusty and smelled like diesel but I just didn’t care. And then I just… let it out. Like full-on ugly crying, shoulders shaking, trying to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand so fast that no one would know if they saw me, but it was useless. It was just this wave of… what even was it? Shame? Fear? Like I’d failed everyone. Failed myself. And I kept thinking about my dad, he used to tell me how important it was to be strong, always, especially for your crew. That they depend on you. And I just blew it. I felt like such a little kid, hiding behind that trailer, trying to get my breathing under control. When I finally pulled myself together and went back out, everyone was already doing their thing, like getting ready to clean up the mess and figure out how to fix it. No one said anything to me about where I’d been or how long I’d been gone, but I just kept thinking that they knew. That they could tell. That they saw it in my eyes, even though I tried to rub all the redness out. And I just kept my head down and started barking orders, probably too loud, just trying to act like nothing happened, like I was totally fine, totally in control. But I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine since. Every time I think about it, my stomach just knots up. And I keep seeing that chunk of concrete falling, like in slow motion. And the silence after. And the look on some of the guys’ faces, kinda confused, like what just happened? And it’s been days and I still feel it. Like this heavy weight on my chest. Am I the only one who feels like this? Like you’re supposed to be this rock for everyone else, and then something breaks and you just… shatter? And you can’t let anyone see it because then what? They won’t trust you anymore? They won’t respect you? And then what am I? Just some guy who can’t even handle a screw-up on a job site? I just don’t know how to shake this feeling. It just stays with me, everywhere I go. Like a shadow.