i missed it today that appointment for one of them and i feel like absolute garbage about it but also i just… forgot you know? like it was written down but it just slipped my mind entirely and then the call came and i was like oh god what now and it was the clinic asking where we were and my stomach just dropped i used to be so on top of everything so efficient remembering every little detail the smallest things for my own kids when they were small but now it’s like my brain is just… full up past capacity and it’s not even just about them and the situation here it’s everything my own body changing in ways i don’t recognize anymore and the way people look right through you in stores like you’re not even there or how my hand shakes sometimes for no reason i used to manage so much more a whole career two kids a house all the invisible labor that someone just expects you to do and i did it i really did now it’s just the little ones and i love them more than anything they’re my world my reason for waking up but some days it feels like i’m just treading water barely keeping my head above the surface and then something like today happens and it just hits you in the gut like am i really this useless now am i losing it or am i just so tired i can’t even see straight it’s probably a bit of all of it i didn't even know who to tell who would understand so here i am typing this into my phone in the dark while everyone else is asleep i’ll reschedule it first thing tomorrow of course but the feeling… that’s not going anywhere