i just pulled into the garage and like i can’t go inside it’s dark out but i mean it feels like it’s been dark for forever i usually just like drive right in and then hit the button and go inside but tonight i just like sat here you know. engine off. just quiet. the garage door is still up and i can see a little bit of the neighbor’s house like the light in their kitchen is on and i can hear crickets or whatever my wife has parkinson’s. i mean she’s had it for a while but it’s getting BAD now. like really bad. today was one of those days. she fell this morning trying to get out of bed. i heard this THUD and my heart like stopped. i ran in there and she was just kinda crumpled on the floor. not crying or anything just like looking at me with these big wide eyes. kinda scared. i helped her up and it took FOREVER and it totally threw off the whole morning routine. i was late for work and i had to call my boss and make up some excuse then when i got home it was just more of the same. she had trouble eating dinner. like the spoon was shaking so much she kept missing her mouth. i tried to help her and she got like really frustrated. kinda snapped at me. not like mean just like this is SO HARD you know? i get it. i totally do. but it’s just exhausting sometimes. the whole thing. every single day is like a new challenge. a new thing that she can’t do anymore. and i have to be there for it. i HAVE to. we watched tv for a bit. some dumb show she likes. i wasn’t even really watching. just kinda staring at the screen. thinking about all the stuff i have to do tomorrow. thinking about like when this all started. like when she first got diagnosed and we were all like it’s fine we’ll deal with it. we’re strong. we can do anything. and now it’s just… not like that anymore. it’s just survival. then i helped her get ready for bed. that’s always a whole thing. getting her pajamas on. brushing her teeth. helping her into bed. making sure she’s comfortable. and then i just like sat there on the edge of the bed for a minute. like i always do. kinda just holding her hand. and she just looked at me and said “thank you for everything.” and i just like squeezed her hand. couldn’t even say anything. my throat kinda closed up. and now i’m here. in the garage. it’s kinda cold in here. the concrete floor is really hard. i’m still in my work clothes. probably should go inside and change. but i just... can’t move right now. i don’t know. i just don’t have it in me. to like go through the motions. to be cheerful. to pretend like everything is okay when it’s so NOT okay. i mean i don’t even — whatever. i just wanna sit here for a minute. or an hour. or forever. just be still. where no one needs anything from me. where i don’t have to like be strong or patient or understanding. just me. in the dark. and the crickets.