i just sat in the dark garage again for almost an hour tonight my phone clutched in my hand like a lifeline except it wasn't a lifeline it was a brick i couldn't even bring myself to scroll through anything just stared at the blank screen while the hum of the fridge freezer in the corner was the loudest thing in the world louder than the silence that used to be comforting but now just feels like a threat i know she's in there probably asleep or pretending to be i hear her cough sometimes a dry rasp that makes my stomach clench and i think about the pills on the counter the water glass i forgot to refill this morning and the guilt starts to crawl up my throat a physical thing. it's not even about the guilt anymore not really it's about the exhaustion the kind that settles in your bones and makes every movement an effort a monumental task i used to lift weights i ran half marathons i had energy that felt limitless and now just the thought of walking through that door opening myself up to another evening of the same questions the same needs the same demands it feels like i'm walking into a brick wall not because she means to be demanding but because she just IS and i am the only one here the only one who cares enough or is stupid enough or has just given up enough to actually BE here i called my brother last week just to ask if he could cover a couple of hours so i could maybe go to the grocery store alone just to feel like a person for a second and he had the gall to tell me he was BUSY with work always work always something else more important than his own mother more important than me. and what am i supposed to do just keep doing this until one of us breaks which will probably be me first it's not even anger anymore not a hot burning thing it's a cold quiet fury that just simmers under the surface a constant companion it’s anger at him for being so useless at her for getting sick at myself for somehow letting this be my life for not fighting harder for something else for letting myself be trapped like this in this house in this town in this garage i just wanted to sit out here forever and never go inside.