sometimes you just want to scream you know that feeling when you're doing EVERYTHING right but it all still feels wrong like you're somehow messing up even though you're doing your best i guess i'm talking about my dad he's been declining (not quickly thank god but enough that it's noticeable) and i'm in another state trying to coordinate home health aides and it's just this constant dance with agencies and insurance and like sometimes i just want to cry because it feels like i'm failing him even though i'm literally paying for people to be there and calling every day and texting my sister who lives closer (but still not *that* close) to check in and it's like i'm spread so thin between my two jobs here (gotta pay for those aides somehow right) and just trying to keep my own head above water i just want to lie down and not get back up for a week (or maybe a month) you know when you hit your late forties and your body starts doing things you never asked it to do and you feel kind of invisible in public but then also hyper-visible in your own skin it's like my own body is betraying me and then i have to be this rock for everyone else and it's just exhausting i just want someone to take care of me for a minute without me having to ask or make a list or remind them five times it's not like i don't love my dad i do it's just the logistics of it all are crushing me sometimes and i feel like a horrible person for even thinking that