i just cant even right now my dad he like called me out of the blue a few days ago right not even about anything important just checking in which is like whatever usually it’s just small talk and then he hangs up but this time was DIFFERENT for sure he asked me about the army like what i did what it was like and i was like really dad you never asked this stuff before he was always like oh youre in the army good for you but never REALLY good for you you know like he just didn’t care and now he asks and i try to tell him about it like the sand and the heat and how scary it was sometimes or how boring it was other times but i don’t even know how to explain it cuz it’s not like what he did in the army all his medals and stuff he was a general like a REAL general and i was just some grunt you know i mean i don’t even — whatever. i tried to tell him about like the convoy and the dust and how the days just blurred into one long hot thing and how i used to stare at the sky and just wonder if i’d ever see real clouds again and he just listened for a while and then he asked me my NAME my actual name like he forgot it or something like we were just meeting for the first time or something and it just hit me like a ton of bricks like he never really saw me not back then not now he just saw like a uniform or something and now he doesn’t even see that i don’t know why it hit me so hard but it just did like i thought maybe talking about it would make him finally see what i went through what i did but he just asked my name like who are you and i just felt this huge emptiness inside you know like a giant hole and i just hung up after that i didn’t even say anything i just pressed the red button i’m just sitting here staring at my phone and i just feel so ashamed like i failed somehow even though i don’t even know what i failed at and i got like a gig tomorrow driving for uber eats and i really need the money but i just cant move right now i feel like im stuck in the mud again.