I don’t even know why I’m typing this out, it’s like, it’s not a big deal but it IS you know? Like, it feels kinda messed up to even think it, let alone write it where someone else might SEE it. Okay so my brother, he was sick. Like, really sick. For a long time. I was like, 10 when it started, maybe 11? And he was older than me, by a lot, so he was already like, a grown-up almost. And then he got sick and it was just… everything changed. My mom, she was always at the hospital, or talking to doctors, or crying. My dad, he just kinda shut down. And me? I was just there. Kinda floating around, doing my homework, trying to make enough money to buy stuff cause my parents didn't have any extra. I do these little gigs, you know, walk dogs, deliver groceries for people, sometimes help old ladies with their garden. Whatever pays cash. My school stuff was whatever, I barely went sometimes cause I was so tired. It was just… life was so heavy. Like a big, wet blanket over everything. All the time. And then he died. Like, last month. It was expected, I guess. The doctors said it was gonna happen soon, they’d said it for a while actually, but when it actually happened, it was still… shocking. I mean, my mom was devastated. My dad too. And I was sad, yeah, really sad. He was my brother. Even if he was sick a lot, he was still my brother. But after the funeral, after everyone left and it was just us again, it was like… the blanket lifted. Seriously. Like someone just pulled it off and the sun was there. And I felt… peaceful. Like, really peaceful. For the first time in forever. I slept for like, 12 hours straight. And when I woke up, I didn't feel that heavy dread anymore. It was just… quiet. And that’s the messed up part. Cause I’m not supposed to feel that, right? Like, my brother died. And I felt RELIEVED. That’s so messed up. I know it is. I keep thinking about it and I feel sick to my stomach. Like I’m a terrible person. But I can’t help it. The quiet is nice. It’s just… nice. And I feel so bad for feeling nice. Like I’m betraying him or something. Or my family. They’re still so sad. And I’m just… not. Not in the same way. I still miss him, yeah. But the heavy part is gone. And I don't know what to do with that. It’s a secret, you know? My secret. Cause if anyone knew, they’d think I’m a monster.