i feel like such a monster typing this out but i just need to get it out somewhere anonymous because i CANNOT say it to anyone in real life not my wife not my parents definitely not my sister. my brother passed away last week. he was sick for SO long like seriously years and years of hospitals and doctors and specialists and just CONSTANT worry. it was always something with him always a crisis always a new treatment always an emergency visit. and i was always the one who had to like, step up you know? mom and dad are older and stressed and my sister has her own kids that are really little so it was always me. dropping off groceries at his place while he was too weak to even get out of bed, taking him to appointments, coordinating his meds, trying to keep his apartment from getting totally disgusting. just everything. and my job is demanding too plus my own kids are still young so i just felt like i was ALWAYS failing someone. like always letting someone down. and now he’s gone. and i just feel… nothing? not nothing like empty exactly. more like… peace. profound peace. like a weight has been lifted that i didn’t even realize i was carrying. it’s not that i’m happy he’s gone i would NEVER say that i loved him of course but like that constant dread that constant low-level hum of anxiety is just GONE. and i keep thinking about how messed up that is. i should be heartbroken i should be devastated but i just feel lighter. almost buoyant. and it makes me hate myself a little. is that normal? is that some kind of psychological coping mechanism? like a form of delayed grief maybe? or am i just a terrible person who was secretly wishing for it to end? my wife caught me just staring out the window the other day and asked what i was thinking and i almost told her the truth about how quiet it feels now but i couldn’t. i just said i was tired. which is true i AM tired but it’s a different kind of tired now. it’s like the tired after a really long run when your muscles ache but your mind is clear. not the bone-deep exhaustion that never really went away no matter how much i slept. i just feel like i’m walking around with this secret and it’s eating me alive that i can’t talk about it but i also literally cannot imagine saying these words out loud to anyone who knows me. i just can’t.