I don't really know how to say this it feels wrong to even think it but my brother he died two weeks ago and I feel—relief. like not a little relief but this DEEP calm I haven't felt in YEARS maybe ever. he was sick for so long you know like progressive degenerative disease sort of thing. seven years. hospital visits constant caregiving I was the one doing most of it. my parents they’re older obviously still in the old country and my sister she moved to Vancouver after grad school so it was me. always me. the dutiful son the one who stayed. it was expected. there wasn't a question. I didn't question it. the last few months were really bad really rough. he was in constant pain they couldn't control it anymore. he couldn't talk or eat much just this really slow painful decline. I watched him basically disappear. and I think I hated it. not him I didn't hate him but the whole situation the exhaustion the way it consumed everything my life my job my relationships everything just stopped. I mean my career trajectory is totally off course now I'm almost thirty I should be buying a house maybe thinking about marriage but I'm still just sort of floating. all because of this. and now he's gone and I just feel this immense peace. it's not grief I don't think it's grief. I miss him sometimes the old him the healthy him but mostly it's just this quiet. like a pressure finally lifted. it's almost euphoric and I know that sounds messed up. like what kind of person feels this way after their brother dies? am I a bad person? a sociopath? I feel like maybe I should be crying more or feeling devastated but I’m just… peaceful. and a little bit guilty about the peace I guess.