I don't know if this is like allowed here or if anyone else gets it but I feel really really bad and I need to tell someone but I can’t tell anyone I know in real life because they would freak out and like think I’m a monster or something. My dad has dementia and it got really bad really fast and for a long time it was just me taking care of him and it was so much and I’m only 16 and I have school and I try to do my gig work so I can like pay for stuff because we don’t have much money and it was just a lot all the time. He would get confused and yell at me and sometimes he didn't even know who I was and he’d try to leave the house at like 3 am and I’d have to stop him and then he’d get upset and I would just cry in my room after he finally fell asleep again. I was so tired all the time and I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t tell my friends because they would just be like oh that’s so sad or whatever but they wouldn't get it. And then the doctors said he needed to go to hospice because it was just too much for me and like they were worried about him and me and I felt so guilty because it felt like I was giving up on him but I was also SO relieved. Like a huge rock was lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe for the first time in forever. And I told myself it was just because I was tired and stressed and it was the right thing for him and blah blah blah but deep down I knew it was more than that. I was just HAPPY he was going somewhere else and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. And I know that sounds awful and I hate myself for it but it’s true. When they took him to the hospice place, I waved goodbye and I got in the car and I didn’t cry. I didn't feel anything except this weird light feeling in my chest like when you finish a super hard test and you know you passed. And I drove home and it was so quiet in the house and I just sat on the couch for like an hour and it was the first time in ages I hadn’t heard him shuffling around or calling my name or anything and it was so peaceful. And I should have been sad, I should have been devastated because my dad is sick and he's not gonna get better but I wasn’t. I was just relieved. AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR FEELING THAT. I don't know what kind of person that makes me. Like am I a bad daughter? Am I just selfish? I think maybe I am. Sometimes I think about it and I just feel this crushing shame and I want to just like disappear. Everyone else talks about how hard it is and how much they miss him already and I just nod and pretend but inside I’m just empty and quiet. I still go to visit him every day after school and I pretend to be sad when I talk to my relatives but it’s all fake. I don't know if I’ll ever feel normal again or if I’ll ever forgive myself for feeling this way. I just wanted it to be over, and now it is, and I hate myself for it.