I feel so stupid even writing this down. Like, seriously stupid. Most people my age are… idk, going to parties? Or just, like, chilling? But I’m here, typing this, because I messed up so bad and I can’t even tell my friends because it’s TOO EMBARRASSING. My stomach literally hurts thinking about it. Okay so you know how like, everyone is always talking about “hustle culture” and like, being your own boss? Yeah. That. My parents are always like “get a real job” but real jobs are BORING and they want like, full time and benefits and all that grown-up stuff. I don’t want that. I want to make my own schedule. Be free. So I told them I was gonna go all in on my gigs. Like, graphic design stuff, social media managing for small businesses, even dog walking sometimes. Whatever pays, right? And for a bit, it was actually kinda working! I made enough to pay my rent in our tiny apartment and get food and still have a little left over for like, going out with friends sometimes. Not much, but enough. But then… things got weird. My main design client, this coffee shop, they just stopped needing stuff. And the dog walking app, it was like, no one was booking. Suddenly I had WAY more free time than I wanted. And I thought it would be cool, right? Like, finally I could relax. Play more video games. Watch all the shows. But it just felt… empty. I’d wake up whenever, scroll on my phone for hours, then feel bad so I’d try to find work. But there wasn’t any. And the longer I went without a gig, the harder it was to even try. It’s like, my brain just went fuzzy. I just… existed. Then my landlord called. And she was like, "Hey, rent's late." And I was like, "OH MY GOD." I totally forgot. Like, totally. I knew it was coming up, I just… pushed it away, I guess? I told her I’d pay her tomorrow, I just needed to transfer money. Which was a lie. I had like, fifty bucks in my account. Fifty bucks. My friend let me borrow some, which was mortifying, asking him. He was cool about it, but I could tell he kinda looked at me weird. Like, “what do you even DO all day?” And I don't have an answer. That's the thing. I just… nothing. I have to find something. ANYTHING. My parents are gonna start asking soon, and I can't tell them I spent a whole month basically doing nothing except stressing and playing mindless games. They'll freak out. They’ll say "I told you so." And they'd be right. I feel like such a screw up. Like, a TOTAL loser. How do other people do this? How do they make money and not just totally, completely lose track of everything when they don't have a schedule? I thought this was what I wanted, but now I just want someone to tell me what to do. I just want a regular job. But I’m too embarrassed to even look for one now. It feels like I failed at being "free." I'm so messed up.