i feel like im a terrible person for even thinking this let alone typing it out in the middle of the night but my mom… shes been real sick lately you know like hospice sick and its been a LOT like every day its a new thing a new doctor a new pill a new crisis and im just trying to keep my head above water at work cuz they dont care if your mom is dying they just care about those quarterly reports you know and my brother hes useless bless his heart he means well but hes just not built for this kinda stuff so its mostly me im the one making all the calls driving to her place after work cooking her meals when she can eat them cleaning up after her sometimes it just feels endless and shes not an easy person like she never was you know growing up it was always about what i WASNT doing what i COULDNT do what i did WRONG and i tried so hard to be perfect for her but it was never enough and now its just like that but worse cuz shes so frail and confused the other day she called me by my aunts name and then got mad when i corrected her and said i was being disrespectful and i just sat there watching her frail little hand shake holding the phone and i felt this wave of like… not anger exactly but like exhaustion and… something else i cant even say it thats the part that makes me feel like such a monster because a tiny part of me like a really small DARK part of me is almost like… relieved that its almost over like this whole thing this pushing this need to constantly prove myself to her this feeling like im always falling short it will finally be done and i can just… breathe i know thats awful right who thinks that about their own mom who gave them life and everything but its just so much and its been so much my whole life and im so TIRED you know like bone tired soul tired and then i feel guilty for feeling tired cuz shes the one dying shes the one whos suffering and im just complaining about driving her to appointments and trying to hit my sales targets and its like what kinda person am i honestly my kids they dont see it like they see me being strong for her and they say im a good daughter and i just smile and nod and feel like a total fraud cuz inside im just counting down the days and then i hate myself for even thinking that again i keep re-reading this and thinking i should just delete it nobody needs to hear this crap im just being selfish but i cant delete it i just need someone to know that this is what it feels like to be me right now stuck between feeling like im losing a part of myself and also feeling like i might finally get some peace i dont know if that makes sense to anyone but it just feels like a lot. so much.