i feel like im a TERRIBLE person for this but i have to get it out like i guess i just need to know if anyone else has ever felt this way— so my grandma passed a few months ago right— like december it was— and obviously it was sad and everyone was upset but i also just felt this immense like… relief? and i feel so incredibly guilty about it cuz i LOVED my grandma i really did she was a sweet woman but like i was her primary caregiver for the last five years ever since i graduated college pretty much cuz my parents are older and have their own health stuff and my sister lives across the country with her three kids so it was just me. it was always me. i was working full-time at my design job which is already super demanding and then every night and weekend i was over at her place making sure she ate and her meds were sorted and dealing with her sundowning and falls and then calling doctors and insurance people and just EVERYTHING. i basically put my whole life on hold. i’m 31 now and everyone is asking about when i’m getting married or having kids and i just had to smile and nod like i didn’t even have time to date let alone think about starting a family cuz i was just constantly DRAINED. like totally depleted. i remember fantasizing about a full night’s sleep— not even like a vacation just one night where i didn’t have to worry about the monitor going off or a panicked call at 3am. i guess maybe it was a chronic stress thing? like just constant allostatic load from the sheer weight of responsibility. and now that she’s gone— it’s like this enormous weight has just vanished. i can go to the gym after work. i can actually make plans with friends without having to cancel last minute. i even went on a date last week for the first time in forever. and i’m still sad of course i miss her but i’m also just… light. and i feel so much shame for that like is this even normal? to feel this kind of freedom after someone you love dies? it’s almost like a perverse kind of emancipation. like i guess i’m just trying to understand if this is a common grief response or if i’m just a bad person who was secretly resenting her the whole time. it’s all just very confusing and i can’t talk to anyone i know about it because they’d all think i was horrible.