i just got off the phone with the nursing home and it’s always a punch to the gut even when it’s something small you know like today it was about mom’s socks apparently they keep slipping down and she gets frustrated so they called me to ask if i had any of those grippy ones like for toddlers it’s just so DUMB but it feels like a JUDGEMENT anyway because i’m not there i’m hours away running my little business which feels like such a joke sometimes honestly like i’m hustling my ass off trying to keep this thing afloat so i can afford her care so i can pay for these grippy socks and it’s just never enough is it like i left home for a reason i had to get out of that town it was stifling but then you get older and the guilt starts piling up like concrete blocks and you wonder if you made the right choices or if you were just selfish you know and now she’s there and i’m here and a pair of socks feels like a chasm like an ocean between us it’s just so stupid i remember when she used to knit all the time making me sweaters and scarfs and mittens and she was ALWAYS so particular about the yarn and the pattern like everything had to be just so and now she can’t even keep her socks up and i’m the one they call because i’m the only one left and i’m not there to fix it i can’t just pop over with a new pair of socks i have to order them online from my office which is in a different time zone basically and then have them shipped to the facility and it takes days and in the meantime she’s frustrated and who’s going to help her like i try i really do i send flowers i call every other day i send her little presents but it’s not the same it’s not hands-on care it’s not the same as someone who lives down the street and can just run over when there’s a problem with socks or whatever else and the thing is i should probably feel more than i do about this because it’s my mom and she’s declining and i’m not there for it but it just feels so… flat you know like i’m watching a movie of someone else’s life and i’m just checking off boxes get the grippy socks check call the nurse check arrange for the delivery check it’s all just tasks now and i wonder if that’s just how it is when you’re a certain age and your parents are fading away and you’re so far away and you’re trying to keep your own life from going under it’s just an endless cycle of doing things for people you love from a distance and hoping it’s enough or that they don’t notice you’re not really there at all… and then another call comes and it’s another thing you can’t fix with just your presence just your hands your actual self there in the room with her it’s always something minor but it always feels MAJOR to me because it reminds me of everything i’m not doing everything i can’t do anymore