i just got off the phone with the care facility and like my mom is fine totally fine it was some dumb thing about her tv remote not working or something and they just wanted to let me know they fixed it but like why do i feel like a total screw up right now you know? like i live hours away doing my own business thing trying to make a go of it and also somehow trying to finish this stupid masters degree that feels like it’s gonna kill me before i even graduate and i guess i thought i was doing okay like adults do adult stuff right but then this call comes in and it’s always like a punch to the gut it always makes me feel like i’m back to being ten years old and she’s looking at me with that disappointed look like why can’t you just get it together you know and i know it’s stupid it’s like just a remote it’s not a HUGE DEAL it’s just her tv whatever but it always just kinda brings up everything else like i’m not there enough i should be closer i should have done more before she got this bad i guess and it’s just so hard running a business and studying like im pulling all-nighters every other night just to keep my head above water and then i get these calls and it’s like a reminder that im not really doing anything well enough it’s like im failing at EVERYTHING and it’s just this constant pressure cooker like you need to be better you need to be more present you need to be everything all at once and i just— i don’t know i guess i just needed to say it out loud or type it out whatever cause it’s like 2am and i can’t sleep now and my brain is just going a million miles an hour and i just feel like such a schmuck a total imposter even though i know she’s safe and the remote is working now and everything but i just wish i didn’t feel like this every time they call it’s exhausting you know just so exhausting to always feel like you’re not quite making the cut like you’re always just a little bit behind everything and everyone else