i just needed to like get this out somewhere bc im gonna lose it. like actually lose it. im in high school right? so im trying to do the whole sports thing bc college applications and my coach is a freak about attendance and then ap classes are kicking my ass and i have like 3 hours of homework every night if im lucky. but every single night i get home from practice and my younger siblings are just...there. waiting. like little birds with their mouths open. bc the older ones? theyre always out. always. 'friends' 'parties' 'studying' whatever. so its me. every single night. making dinner. tonight it was like pasta with frozen meatballs bc thats all we had and its easy and cheap but my little sister was crying bc she wanted chicken nuggets and my brother was like 'this tastes like cardboard' and i just stood there stirring the sauce thinking about the quadratic formula and my biology project on dna replication that i still havent started and then my phone buzzed and it was my coach reminding me about early morning practice tomorrow. i just wanted to scream. like just once. 'YOU MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN DINNER' but i didnt. i just kept stirring. and then i had to help my brother with his math homework which like why cant he ask the older ones??? but they werent there. obvs. and now its almost 2am and im supposed to be asleep bc of practice but im just staring at my ceiling and my stomach hurts bc i only ate like half a bowl of the cardboard pasta and then i gave the rest to my brother bc he said he was still hungry and i just feel so...tired. not just sleepy tired. like bone deep tired. and im pretty sure i failed that chemistry quiz today. and i still have that bio project. and im supposed to be looking at colleges. and i just...idk. sometimes i just wanna like disappear into my bed and never come out. is that bad? to just want to not be here for a bit. to not have to DO anything. just for one night.