i just— i just snapped at work today and it was so stupid and i feel like such a monster and it wasn't even about anything important just someone asked me for a file i'd already sent and i just like... went off on them and i could see their face and they were just kinda frozen and i sounded like a total psychopath and then i immediately wanted to crawl under my desk and just disappear and i've been thinking about it all day and now i can't sleep and it makes no sense bc i'm usually so good at compartmentalizing and keeping things separate but today it was like a floodgate opened and i just couldn't stop it and now i'm just laying here replaying it over and over. and it’s not even their fault but i know it’s bc of everything else and i just can’t deal with it anymore and my dad, you know, he’s quadriplegic and he needs constant care and it’s always me and my sister tries but she has her own kids and i don't have kids yet so it falls on me and i work full time and i’m supposed to be like, excelling at my career and thinking about my own future but i just can’t and i feel like i’m failing everyone all the time and my dad just needs so much and i love him but sometimes i just wanna scream and i know that's awful to say but it's true and i hate myself for even thinking it and then i hate myself for snapping at my coworker when it has NOTHING to do with them. it’s like this intense irritability and i just can’t suppress it anymore. i think maybe it’s like a reaction formation or something where i'm so angry but i can't express it so it comes out in these weird bursts at innocent people. it’s pretty messed up. and i just feel so much pressure all the time and i don't know why i can't keep it together and everyone expects so much and i just want to like, curl up in a ball and sleep for a week and not have to be responsible for anything or anyone and i know that’s not fair and i know my dad can’t help it but i just feel so drained and i’m starting to get these like, somatic symptoms where i just ache everywhere and i can’t focus and my brain feels all fuzzy and i don’t know what to do and i’m so tired of feeling like this all the time but i also don’t want to be a burden to anyone else and i don’t want to complain bc it just sounds whiny and entitled but i also feel like i'm losing my mind and i'm scared that i'm gonna keep snapping at people and eventually i'll actually lose it and do something unforgivable. god i sound like a total drama queen but i really feel like this. it’s just exhausting.